Could it be, three years ago?
It was recess. He had come back to school after a month of absence. No one could figure out why he was in such pain. And all the while, this disease was brewing deep inside him, unnoticed except for the mystery hovering over him. “My legs hurt” and as the rest of the children ran and played, he pulled out the napping mats and curled up.
Curled up like my Bumble Bee lays now. What if it were her? What if her hurt was a sign of some deeper disease instead of the sign of a day of climbing trees and running through woods?
She orbits me. Less lately. She used to orbit me all the time. Just wanting to be near me. Closeness feeding her some invisible nourishment. But now, she orbits her brothers and I feel her pulling away from me…or have I pushed her? As I spite the burdens that are bringing me closer to my Lord?
Tonight, the Glorious Mysteries fill my heart. And as my thumb and fingers feel the larger wooden bead, the prayer that fills my heart becomes larger. “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done.” Thy kingdom, God’s son, Jesus, the Prince of Peace come. Thy will…His death on the cross…be done. His death so that I can once again have the Holy presence in my life. Thy will…the will of God the Father since the days of Eden…communion…be done. It is God’s will for us to have communion with him.
I feel God’s presence in my prayers. It’s those moments in between. My experience has taught me that God is there, it is my lack of vision keeping me from seeing his presence.
And I think of my Bumble Bea, whose orbit is humbling and wonderful. And I think of Jesus’s command to let the little children come to him. He knew that children receive that invisible nourishment through presence. There is so much to learn.
And I wonder, as I offer this for James, that I should receive the grace. I need the grace so much, but I ask for James…thy will be done.